Opening The Vault: Part Sixty Three

As you cross the one year mark in a relationship, you can’t help thinking about what it’s taken to reach that milestone -- and what it will take to reach future ones. I had all of this on my mind back in 1999, when I celebrated one year with then-boyfriend David.

In The Den: I was sitting here with David during our heart to heart (June 1999)

The beginning of our anniversary weekend got off to a rocky start. A big night out at a charity gala proved to a big disaster while I struggled to cope with David being in one of his silent moods. The evening’s end found us having a tough conversation about our different temperaments. I now Open The Vault and take you back to June of ‘99..

June 21, 1999
New York, NY

Dear Diary,

David said that, at the gala, he had no idea anything was wrong because I just took off with my friend and he assumed I just wanted some girl time.

“I’m not a mind reader and you should’ve told me what was bothering you,” he said.

On this, I had to concede was right and I apologized. Still, I would not back down on the issue of me having to carry the weight of our relationship. I told him back in January that I need him to take a more active role.

His behavior at the Copa was a reminder that I still have to decide what we do when we’re together, to plan everything, and I’m tired of it.

“I feel like those conversations might as well have never happened,” I told him.

“The easy thing to do would be to walk out the door,” David said in a shaky voice. “But I haven’t. I’m trying harder with you than I have with anybody in my entire life. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody in my entire life.”

“I love you too,” I said.

I moved into his arms and we were quiet for a few minutes until D said--

“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” I said flatly. “You always are.”

Squeezing me tightly, he said softly.

“I’m trying, Mel.”

“I know,” I replied.

And we kissed.

* * *
Saturday, exactly 365 days after we met for the first time, D and I decided to recreate our first date and do another pub crawl, this time in my neighborhood. I was feeling very nostalgic -- and then very disappointed when David called to tell me he was too sick to come over. No ‘Happy Anniversary,’ no ’I love you.’

Coming so soon after Thursday’s disaster, this was the last thing I needed. I had reached a breaking point.

* * *

Our anniversary would take another surprising turn, while a trio of weddings forced me to decide my fate with David for better or worse.

Opening The Vault: Part Sixty Two

When you reach one year with a significant other, it feels like an important milestone. That was most definitely the case more than a decade ago with my then-boyfriend David.

During that year, our relationship deepened as David helped me through the devastating loss of my mother -- and taught me for the first time what it meant to be with a true partner and take the good with the bad. As it turned out, our anniversary was a stark reminder of this. I now Open The Vault and take you back to the summer of '99...

June 21st, 1999
New York, NY

Dear Diary,

I’m miserable at the moment, having just experienced one of the worst weekends I’ve had since Mom’s funeral.

Thursday was supposed to be the official start to the anniversary celebration for me and David. I bought us tickets to a charity benefit at the Copacabana featuring dinner, dancing and gambling. Unfortunately, David was in one of his quiet, distant moods.

The Copacabana: NYC’s legendary nightclub provided the backdrop for a surprising evening with David

When we arrived at the Copa, he showed little reaction to the festive atmosphere. Then, when we sat down to eat, he ignored me to read an event brochure.

I decided to go to the bar and have a few drinks with a friend who co-organized the event. After about an hour, David reappeared with my friend’s husband and seemed to have warmed up considerably.

He was affectionate, told me he loves me, etc. But all I kept thinking was, why did he have to be such a downer for the first half of the night?

I told David we were leaving after he finished his drink. He seemed surprised but, as usual, failed to pursue the issue.

On the way home, David put his arm around me.

“So, have you had a fun evening?” he asked.

“No, I haven’t,” I said with a flat laugh.

We spent the rest of the ride in silence.

* * *
At home, David joined me on the couch.

“Okay, what have I done now?” he asked, in a tone much harsher than any I'd ever heard from him.

Not knowing where to start, I told him that I feel like no matter what I do or how dressed up I get, it’s impossible to elicit a reaction from him.

“I’m not the kind of person who reacts in a big way to things,” he said angrily.

I couldn’t help wondering -- is his quiet, laidback personality the opposite of what I need in a partner?

* * *

Before the night was over, David and I would address where we had each gone wrong with each other. But the larger question of whether we were truly compatible continued to haunt me.