Opening The Vault: Part Thirty Nine

Much as I’ve tried not to, I have invariably compared Mr. Right For Now to the men who have preceded him. A 1996 weekend getaway to Delaware with my then-beau Larry found me doing exactly that.

Broadkill Beach: This Delaware hamlet was where Larry and I spent our first getaway together

Having endured plenty of highway drama with my California-based ex Mark (a.k.a. Sparky), I was more than a little anxious about my first road trip with Larry. As it turned out, I had nothing to worry about -- apart from Sparky’s lingering ghost. I now Open The Vault and take you back to Independence Day of ‘96...

July 4th ,1996
Broadkill Beach, DE

Dear Diary,
Larry and I drove down here this morning. Much to my surprise, our four hours on the road flew by.

During our journey, Larry confided more about his colorful past, namely how he kept himself afloat financially after his father’s death when he was 16. It included stealing from a store he worked at.

I could feel my sense of propriety flare up. Immediately, I caught myself, looked out the window and took a deep breath.

It doesn’t matter, I reminded myself, you’re not going to marry him.

With Sparky, I treated every example of our different upbringings as a catastrophe of epic proportions. I loved him so much that it pained me to know we weren’t compatible, a pain exacerbated by his ability to properly address our problems.

Unlike Sparky, Larry listens to whatever frustrations I feel and try to cease the bothersome habit (e.g. provocative pillow talk). Considering he’s been a part of my life for nearly six months now, I have reached this wonderful comfort zone with him. But, of course, we’ve been together on a regular basis -- a luxury that Sparky and I never had.

When the Eagles’ song “Love Will Keep Us Alive” came on the radio, I couldn’t help wondering how vacations with Sparky might have been different had they been supplemented by a normal relationship.

Our differences notwithstanding, how could I feel anything but self-conscious and insecure during our trips? I felt the tremendous pressure of trying to compress the months we were apart into one isolated holiday.

Still, it seems like another lifetime ago that we were blissfully in love. I was a different person then. I’m more of a woman now -- I only wish Sparky could see that.

* * *

As I tried to convince myself Sparky was in the past, Larry and I were approaching a milestone of sorts. The occasion would prompt me to wonder if it was time to say goodbye.

Opening The Vault: Party Thirty Eight

When it comes to remaining friends with an ex, being 3,000 miles apart helps -- as I discovered with my Calfornia-based boyfriend Mark (a.k.a. Sparky).

Nearly a year after I broke it off between us, Sparky continued to call and we fell into a rhythm of communicating at least a couple of times a month. In the meantime, my romance with brooding and brilliant Larry continued to blossom, as he assured me his recreational drug habit was behind him. I now Open The Vault and take you back the summer of 1996...

May 18th, 1996
New York, NY

Dear Diary,

I had the pleasure of seeing Larry twice this week, and both times I rediscovered everything that drew me to him in the first place.

His quick wit and inexhaustible vocabulary engage my intellect, while his attentiveness and sensitivity appeal to the emotional side of me…There isn’t an encounter we’ve had during which Larry has failed to tell me how desirable I am to him.

All smiles during my first road trip with Larry to Broadkill Beach, Delaware, July 1996

As anyone who knows me will tell you, Larry was a very tough nut to crack in the beginning. Hardened by divorce and years of solitude, he was reluctant to get involved with me beyond a very superficial level.

Still, I was patient and willing to accommodate Larry’s hesitancy. Because the more time we’ve spent together, the more apparent it’s become how he feels about me. As his [CFA] exam draws closer, Larry has spoken more and more about being with me more frequently after June 1st.

* * *

May 27th, 1996

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that I still think about Sparky a lot. He’s the only man I ever thought about marrying.

Rationally, I know all of the reasons I ended our relationship. But that hasn’t changed my feelings for him. A few weeks ago, Sparky called and admitted the same thing.

“It was very difficult for me to let go,” he said, “but nothing will ever change my love for you.”

“I love you too, Sparky,” I replied.

“I still think we have a chance,” he said.

“So do I.”

* * *

And so, Sparky and I kept the door open for a reprise between us. I couldn’t have imagined then where the years would take us -- or the ways in which time would only confirm what I already knew about him.