Post-Breakup Etiquette & Moving On

Yesterday, I learned that my canine-loving ex Shawn is engaged. I don’t know what surprised me more, the news itself or the fact that I had to hear about it from one of his friends.

Because Shawn is the third ex-boyfriend whose betrothal news I heard secondhand, it seems to me that there is a lack of etiquette when it comes to telling an old flame that you’ve moved on for good.

The question of if/when to divulge this doesn’t apply when you make a clean break and cease all communication post-breakup. For better or worse, though, that has rarely been the case in my relationships. I’ve maintained amicable ties with most of my ex-boyfriends.

As I rationalized it to one of them, the end of a romance doesn’t mean you stop caring about a significant other or what happens to him. The fact that none of the men I’ve dated ever committed any truly egregious acts (lying, cheating, etc.) has made keeping in touch platonically--following the breakup mourning period, of course--somewhat easier. The thing about keeping in touch after a breakup, though, is it deceives you into thinking you’ll be one of the first to know when your ex’s status changes. I now recognize how foolish that assumption was.

A decade ago, Mark, a long-distance love from L.A. who continued calling at least twice a month, suddenly dropped out of sight. When I picked up the phone to find out what was going on, he dropped the bombshell that he‘d gotten married.

“I’m really glad you called,” he said. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I still care about you…I love you.”

Talk about your mixed messages.

In the same vein, I found out in cyberspace that an old flame (and now good friend) from the Midwest recently tied the knot. I was visiting MySpace.com when the site informed me that he had updated his profile status to married. Like Mark, he was apologetic about how I learned the news, insisting he hadn’t meant for me to find out that way.

Apart from not being told directly, I wondered what was most troubling to me about learning that each ex has found happily ever after. Was it the realization that the possibility of a reconciliation, however improbable or only vaguely considered, no longer exists? The ego bruising of knowing he’s no longer pining away for me? Perhaps it’s a little of both--and the selfish resentment that a former boyfriend has found his soulmate while I’m still searching for mine.

Fortunately, the shock of Shawn’s engagement was tempered by an amusing tidbit -- he met his bride-to-be in a dog park. Given that Shawn’s devotion to his two dogs was one of the deal breakers with us, I couldn't help thinking that everything really does work out the way it’s supposed to in the end.

It’s reassuring to know that, even when it’s unexpected and unceremoniously delivered, closure is always a good thing.

Animal Devotion

Popular wisdom says that if you’re looking for a mate here in the Big Apple, having a dog is a good way to attract one. Many stories have been written about the allure of canine-owning bachelors. Having experienced the more complicated aspects of doggy devotion, I’m probably one of the only single women here who would think twice before getting involved again with a guy in the throes of it.

For a year and a half, I dated Shawn—a man who preferred curling up with his two ginormous pets and was not bashful about saying so. Though the experience of having four-legged competition for someone’s affections was a first for me, a little research revealed I wasn’t alone. According to a 2006 LIFE/America Online poll, at least 30% of pet owners spend more time with their pet than with their spouse. A whopping seventy-eight percent of those pet owners said this pattern is true of their loyalties too. More recently, a 2007 American Kennel Club survey found that 15% of pet owners say their significant other has become jealous of their dog.

As my pet-related problems with Shawn reached a fever pitch, I recall him confiding in me about a nightmare that had left him visibly shaken because it was about losing someone he loved. I was moved by his vulnerability—until he added that his fears were about losing the dogs. I knew then that I would always be second fiddle to Fido, that he would be living happily ever after with his poochs and not me.

Ever since our relationship ended, I’ve noticed something about guys and their dogs. Tall men seem to favor small Chihuahua types, while their shorter counterparts tend to prefer larger breeds (my ex is about 5”7 and owns two 60-pound canines, an English Pointer and a Weimaraner). I was surprised, then, earlier this week when I looked up and spotted a tall, handsome man with an equally tall, handsome dog walking toward me.

His dog graciously served as the icebreaker, approaching me in search of a little stroking. I was more than happy to oblige, especially when I noticed the book his owner was carrying—Lauren Weisberger’s current bestseller, “Chasing Harry Winston.” Could it be? I wondered. A cute, single guy so evolved that he reads chick lit and isn’t ashamed to admit it?

“Good book?” I inquired, flashing him my best smile.

“Uh, I don’t know,” he answered sheepishly. “My girlfriend is reading it.”

I chuckled as I walked away. At least this time, barking up the wrong tree had made me laugh.