Opening The Vault: Part Sixty One

Milestone birthdays inevitably find you taking stock of your life -- and who’s in it. I found myself doing a lot of reflecting when I crossed the threshhold of 25.

At the time, I was seven months into a relationship with dashing, noble Brit David and five months into coping with my mother’s passing. I now Open The Vault and take you back to January of ‘99...

January 21st, 1999
New York, NY

Dear Diary,

Well, I am officially 25 years old today. More than any other birthday so far, this is the one that’s giving me pause.

Up until now, age has been almost irrelevant in my life. Between dating older men and the 25 years that separated Mom and Dad, I always felt age was more a state of mind than a number. Now, though, I’m suddenly very mindful of it.

The biggest reason for that is losing Mom. But it’s also because this is the first birthday that finds me thinking about my career and having a family someday -- and David has a lot to do with that.

Me at 25: Sitting in front of a few of the 300 roses David gave me

He overwhelmed me last night when I came home to 25 dozen roses. Yes, that’s right -- 25 DOZEN!! That’s 300 to be exact (well, 298 -- 2 didn’t make it, LOL). They’re the same rich array of colors as the 5 dozen D gave me last month. My room looks and smells like a botanical garden.

He’s pretty amazing.

* * *
January 23rd, 1999

I’m up early because of drilling outside. It’s only exacerbating the pounding in my head of frustrating thoughts about David.

I love him -- of that I have no uncertainty. He has 85% of what I’ve been looking for in a man. The question is, will the 15% that’s missing eventually drive us apart?

Though we’re compatible in many ways, I can’t deny that I wish we had more ‘deep and meaningful conversations,’ as D puts it. I fear that his seeming inability to give me the kind of dialogue that I need will eventually pull us apart.

Then, there’s the matter of my lingering distractions about Sparky. I was convinced back in November that he posed no threat to David and me. But it scares me that two months later, he still takes up space in my brain.

Distractions disappear when I feel like David and I are really communicating. I just want that to be more of a regular occurrence.

* * *

The ghost of my ex would be the least of my problems with David as our different personalities became an increasingly difficult obstacle to overcome.

The Allure Of The Unattainable

At last month’s Dating Boot Camp event, NYC-based matchmaker Matt Titus talked about the rules of attraction. When a woman makes herself too available to a guy, he warned, it’s “game over.” I couldn’t help thinking of my own experience with that age-old rule of playing hard to get – and wondering if it still applies today.

Is there any value in playing hard to get?

Years ago, during my complicated relationship with California-based beau Mark (a.k.a Sparky), I had a feeling that the built-in tension of our situation had a lot to do with his ardent pursuit of me.

Several months into our long-distance romance, I called him on it. Sparky insisted his only motivation was love. When I asked him a second time why he was so persistent, he gave me a different answer.

“Sometimes, it’s the quest of knowing what you can’t have that makes you so persistent,” he said.

Sparky’s observation made sense. After all, having grown up watching both soap operas and two parents whose enduring love had been preceded by a fiery courtship, I couldn’t help being enticed by the drama too. But is drama a prerequisite for passion? And does playing hard to get have to be a part of it?

Maybe not, says my good friend Heidi. Her new boyfriend recently told her that if they’re still together in a year, they should get married.

“This,” she told me, “is how our relationships should be... easy. I know the whole thing about ‘if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth having,’ but I like this way much, much better.”

I think it’s easier to do without the drama – self-made or otherwise – when it feels like a relationship is progressing naturally over time and, of course, when you’re both on the same page about the direction in which it’s heading.

As for playing it cool, I’ve come to think of it more in terms of taking things slowly. Because when you’re making room for romance in your life, and balancing that with staying true to yourself, why rush it?