Sunday, December 13, 2009

Opening The Vault: Part Fifty Eight

If you still have feelings for an ex, does that mean you’re not really in love with your new significant other? That weighty question was on my mind during an intense encounter with California-based old flame Mark (a.k.a Sparky) back in 1998.

Le Parker Meridien: Sparky and I caught up at this Midtown hotel back in ‘98

Sparky’s visit came at a time when I was at my most vulnerable -- a little more than a month after losing my mom. Up in his hotel room, the connection between us resurfaced. I now Open The Vault and take you back to November of ’98...

November 21, 1998 - Volume 70
New York, NY

Dear Diary,

As Sparky and I embraced, I could feel his face turning toward mine. I made sure to keep only my cheek next to him.

He suggested I come out to Arizona.

“You could be the other woman,” he said. “Okay, let’s have a fling.”

I wasn’t entirely sure he was joking, but we both grew serious and Sparky said he has too much respect for his wife (as do I for David) to do that.

Suddenly, I could feel myself getting emotional and nostalgic about us. I struggled with the words. Finally, they came.

“When we were together, I was completely certain I loved you,” I admitted. “I haven’t had that certainty since.”

“Wow,” he said, clearly taken aback. “That’s really nice of you to say.”

I also told Sparky how upset I was to learn of his marriage. Though, I said, I never expected him to wait for me--

"I always thought we’d get back together someday."

“Now you tell me!” he said with a laugh.

Later, Sparky reassured me that I will be okay, and reiterated how sorry he is about mom’s passing.

We hugged again. He squeezed my hand as he told me--

“I’ll always be here for you.”

He said not seeing me had been gnawing away at him since Mom’s passing in September, that he wanted to just jump on a plane.

“I still care about you -- I think about you all the time.”

About David, he said he was 99 and 1/10 percent happy for me, but also a little jealous.

“Because I wish it was me.”

So, what does all of this mean for my relationship with David?

I don’t know.

* * *

David and I managed to survive Hurricane Sparky. And a happy milestone for us as a couple would prompt David to execute one of the greatest grand gestures I’ve ever received.


Rachel said...

Argh - this issue has been my bain for the past 2.5 years!

Melissa said...

I hear you...It took me about 15 years to come to terms with it.

Mrs.Monaghan said...

Maybe it's because that each relationship we have leaves a lasting effect -- as it should. I mean, some are good, some are bad, but even still, when I think of my old relationships, I get that feeling of nostalgia. I've been married now for 12 years and I'm happy and thankful for my husband. That doesn't mean that the old boyfriend doesn't still stir up feelings. Not feelings of "oh, the one that got away", but feelings of rememberance of who I was back then.
I mean, honestly, it's easy to remember all the good things about an old relationship and not so easy to remember the reasons it never worked out in the first place, right?

Melissa said...

Well said, Mrs. M! I truly believe that each relationship represents a chapter in your life, an experience that refects who you are at a given moment in time. It is indeed inevitable (and perhaps easier) to look back with a rose-tinted view.