Back in ’04, my very first online date was with a guy whose profile included undated pictures of him at three very different weights. I’m guessing this was his litmus test for whether size really does matter.
Then there was the “Italian/Cajen electricion” who emailed me to say he was looking for someone he can’t stop thinking of when she’s not around. Less romantic was what he said about his literary habits—
“I like to read the Daily News in the bathroom.”
By far, though, I think my favorite online profile is one that my friend Andrea forwarded to me from a Russian dating site.
Igor, 49, is looking for a girl aged 16-20 to marry. Igor’s profile features photos of him in silk pajamas, a red smoking jacket and a selection of fur coats. And this one:
“The kingdom is expanding," he writes. “But there’s still no worthy Cinderella…to be transformed into a princess, capable of devotion, faithfulness and love (without an 'intimate' past, knowing what's a maiden's honor...). DO NOT WRITE: with superiority complex, counting herself the last girl (literal translation: ass) on the planet, any used-up losers, dating market discards, PEOPLE WITH NON-TRADITIONAL ORIENTATION, jealous idiots whose discussions, questions or advice nobody here needs…Don’t offer your body for sale – I am squeamish.”
After reading this, I was a little squeamish myself.