Equally upsetting -- the question of whether our relationship had somehow played a part in what had happened. Initially, Larry had been hesitant to get involved because he wanted to concentrate solely on the exam. Was he now regretting that decision?
I now Open The Vault and take you back to the summer of ‘96...
August 24th, 1996
New York, NY
The other night [at the East River Promenade], I disentangled myself from Larry’s grasp and sat beside him on the bench. He pouted adorably and I harped on his rejection of me earlier when he said he needed space.
Reassuring me with a hug, he said--
“I only meant it when I said it, and it was not my intention to put any distance between us. I don’t want to push you away.”
He said the exam results have made him reexamine how he’s spent the last six months. I was relieved when he said he doesn’t regret the time we’ve shared.
“Good,” I answered defensively, "Because I decided a long time ago not to feel guilty about this.”
Still, as I said that, I found myself questioning what might have happened had he stayed away from me.
Larry spoke about how much more relentless he’ll have to be on the next CFA go-round (he put in about 500 hours for this year’s attempt). I said I will continue to respect his efforts and not make any demands of him.
“I know,” he said with emotion, “But I don’t want only stolen moments with you.”
“I’ve enjoyed our stolen moments,” I answered, smiling.
“I want more of them,” he declared.
Later, when Larry dropped me off at home, I told him--
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more use to you.”
“I’m much happier now,” he insisted as he held me, “I’m smiling, see?”
“I’ll speak to you next week,” I said tersely.
“Fine, be that way,” he said.
“Fine,” I said as the elevator door closed. I immediately burst into tears. It was the first time Larry and I had parted in anger and I hated it, especially since I wanted so desperately to ease his pain.
* * *
Larry and I would get past this setback, only to soon find the roles reversed -- and me needing his comfort to deal with a devastating revelation.