Monday, March 2, 2009

Opening The Vault: Part Twenty Six

Of star-crossed lovers, Shakespeare once wrote parting is such sweet sorrow. That was equally true following my first big fight with long-distance love Mark (a.k.a Sparky).

A tumultuous visit with Sparky in L.A. ended with a war of words at LAX. Though Sparky later apologized in a heartfelt letter, I felt very guarded when he came east for our next encounter two months later. I now Open The Vault to volume #57 and take you back to February of 1995...

February 15th, 1995
Lake Harmony, PA -- The Poconos

Dear Diary,

Mark has been more loving, attentive and generous with me than ever. The problem is I don’t feel the ‘glowy’ response I usually do with him.

Because of our horrible goodbye in December..I can’t just pick up where we left off before. We parted last time in very different places emotionally -- which is kind of a metaphor for how far apart we are in other ways too.

On The Boardwalk: Atlantic City was the second stop during a Valentine’s getaway with Sparky, February 1995

The age difference that has made our relationship so stimulating is revealing its drawbacks more and more.

He told me the other night he doesn’t want to have more children unless he can have them with me. This sentiment scares me, now that I’m realizing how unlikely it is that desire will become a reality.

Valentine’s Day was wonderful. At dinner last night, Mark acknowledged the uncertainty of our future and said we should just see each other whenever we can. At one point, he had a dreamy look on his face.

“I was just savoring the moment,” he explained.

Maybe that’s what I need to do.

* * *

Mark is upstairs smoking a joint right now. Admittedly, he has a bad back and pot helps alleviate the pain, but his use of it upsets me. Probably because it's a depressing reminder of just how starkly different our life's experiences have been.

* * *

February 17th, 1995

Mark asked me today--

“Do you want to cool things off a little, or stop seeing each other?”

I said no, but the truth is I don’t know what I want right now. We’ve shared so much, I don’t want to give up on us without a fight.

* * *

The battle to get back on solid relationship ground with Sparky continued after our Valentine’s getaway. Little did I know that, as our one-year anniversary approached, we would face our greatest challenge yet.

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